I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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