I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
