I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
