You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
