I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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