I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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