I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
