And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
