then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
