my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
