Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
