'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
