found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
