haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize