"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
