wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
