the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize