Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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