you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
