Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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