I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
love makes seman taste better
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize