well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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