Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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