i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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