captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
