So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize