I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
