So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize