he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
