Swine flu. Run for my life!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
