Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
