i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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