you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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