Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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