Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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