Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
