turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i think i just lost a toe
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
