You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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