yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
