Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
