what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
