I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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