I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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