I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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