i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
