Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
