if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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