So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
