I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize