I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
