She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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