I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize