i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Let's paint friendship bongs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
