I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
