I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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