Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
