I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
