i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
