nut hugger
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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