best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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